How The Twilight Saga Should Have Ended
by Princess of Rose
Summary: WARNING: STRONG CHARACTER/STORY BASHING. Edward is finally sick of Bella's crap. Really. Humanity isn't an excuse here. Contains UTTER RETARDATION. T for themes, some ExOC, flames NOT TOLERATED, as there is a warning.


**Disclaimer: Fortunately, I do not own Twilight, or anything related to it. The only thing I own is the Priest, and… er… 'Sexy Lexi.'**

**My friend and I wrote this when we were high off air. If you have a true love for Twilight (though I wouldn't fathom why), don't read this. You have been warned.**

How The Twilight Saga Should Have Ended

"Bella, will you have my babies?" Edward asked, batting his golden eyes extremely attractively in a way that made Bella feel all hot.

"Um… um.. eh… what?" She asked intelligently.

"Bella… will… you… have… my… babies?" He asked very slowly.

"Huh?"

"Are you stupid?" He screamed at her. "I repeated it like, four times! Will you have babies with me?"

"Why are you asking me? Of course!" She thought a moment and recoiled like she'd been slapped. "But… I thought you couldn't!"

"Er… well, remember my bachelor party? You told Jasper and Emmett to not to take me to a strip club? Well, they didn't listen."

Her blank eyes widened. "Excuse me?"

"Well… I got a little… interested… in one of the strippers… after all; she has more personality in her little toe than you ever would. So, er… afterwards, we um… went to my car, and um… we got along well. A bit too well." He winked.

"So you had a friendly discussion?"

He facepalmed. "No, moron. She's… well… having a baby. My baby. So… if you don't have babies with me, I'll go back to her and have a lovely family."

"I lost you at 'baby.' All I heard was 'baby,' 'I'm,' and 'pregnant.'"

"But I didn't even say pregnant! Guh! You're so retarded!"

She blinked idly. "You're pretty when you're angry."

He rolled his eyes. "I've only taken your crap because you smell good. I'm. Done. Your blood isn't even worth it. Why didn't I kill you when I had the chance?" He covered his face. "I wasted two years of my life with you! I'm going back to the stripper. I may not know her name, but at least she's of normal intelligence. She might not smell good, but she's better than you."

"But Edward, I love you!"

"No, you don't. It's infatuation. No one else paid attention to you. You're only clinging to me. Literally," he said, removing her arms from his waist. "Find someone else who will love you, Bella, despite your slight retardation. I can't believe you were so stupid to run with vampires. I can kill you in an instant. And I've fed off animals for years! God, I'm insane."

"Eddie-kins…"

"Don't call me that."

"But I want to sparkle!"

"Then get some body glitter!" He took her left hand and pulled off his mother's ring. "Much better. This is over."

"But Edward…"

"While I'm at it, I might as well change my name. Something cool, like… Bob. Yeah. I'll get a new identity. Goodbye. Have your fun with Jacob. There's no choice now. So superficial…"

And Edward Cullen walked right out of the door.

Bella smiled blankly. "He'll be back. He needs me."

She was still waiting three hours later, when the Volturi came and killed her.

-The Aftermath-

Charlie Swan whistled cheerfully as he drove home in the rain. "It's such a beautiful day," he mused. "Too bad I have to go home to… _her_." He shuddered. He turned the corner onto his street, pressing buttons on his car's PA. "Yo, Chief Swan in da house…izzle!"

"Shut up!" A neighbor cried to their home, throwing a crowbar at his car, which he swerved out of the way of it.

"Hey! That's illegal!"

"Who cares? You can't arrest me! I have diplomatic immunity!"

He continued to whistle the theme song from _Barney_. Pulling into his driveway, he failed to notice the pile of rubble, which was still smoking slightly. He pulled a key out of his pocket, walking up to the front door (or, where it should have been). He put the key in the air and turned it, groping for a knob.

"Damnit!" He cursed loudly, which this time received a gunshot. He dodged the bullet. "That could have hit me! Be careful!"

He stepped into his 'living room.' "Hey! Bella! It's dinnertime! Bacon and eggs!"

He looked around and suddenly realized that he was standing in a pile of ash. He looked down and there was a moment of silence. Then, a grin spread across his face. He jumped up. "I'm free! FREE! Harry, I'm coming over tonight! Yahoo!"

-After Aftermath-

"You know, I never liked her much," Renee said, sipping her coffee. Of course, Bella's story was plastered over every piece of media available, because she was a Mary Sue. No one even knew for sure if she was dead.

Phil was in tears. "I loved her," he sobbed.

"Well, that's because you didn't put on the Anti-Sue cologne I gave you." She rolled her eyes. "There was nothing likeable about her." She thought a moment. "I wonder what happened to Edward? He must be so heartbroken."

She and Phil began to laugh.

"I mean, happy."

Renee turned to Phil. "Know what? I'm sick of you." She picked up the phone and dialed.

"Yo, Chief Swan!"

"Hey, Chuck. Want to try and have a baby that isn't a Mary-Sue?"

"Won't Stephenie just kill us?"

"This isn't Stephenie, o genius. You can tell because this literature actually has some sort of point."

"Which would be…?" Phil intervened; not getting that Renee was leaving him.

"Glittering vampires are gay, and Twilight should have never been published. It's an abomonation of literature," She finished. "Anyway, I'm going to Forks. You can have the house."

"But… I don't have a house," Charlie said. "Wait! We can stay at Harry's!"

"Lovely!"

-After After Aftermath, Vegas-

"Will you, Robert Cullen, take thee, Sexy Lexi, to be your unlawfully wedded wife?" The priest asked through the window.

"I do," he said, bored, but smiled at his new wife. She was very pregnant, and skimpily dressed.

"Do you, Sexy Lexi, take thee, Robert Cullen, as your unlawfully wedded husband?"

"I do, man," she replied, rubbing her stomach. "Hey, Bob. I'm thirsty. Are we going to stop any time soon? Those last ones were pretty good."

Edward's- er, Bob's- eyes weren't gold anymore. They were violet, actually red covered with blue contacts. "Sure, honey. I'm kind of thirsty himself." He smiled at the priest.

All that was heard was a scream, and a request to 'drive to the second window.'

* * *

If someone flames this, I'm gonna scream. It's just a parody. God. And I did warn you (see top AN). This is simply my opinion. Don't kill me.  
And yes. I know it's very stupid XD. I don't need someone to tell me that.  
It would probably be too much to ask for reviews, but they would be much appreciated.


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